"Father's Day Foibles"

On June 18th our country (and most happily our home improvement stores like Home Depot and Lowes) will celebrate Father's Day.  I suppose that setting aside a day to honor fathers is not that bad of an idea.  Scripture surely gives fathers the leading role in spiritual headship in the home and marriage (Proverbs 2-4, Ephesians 5:22
to 6:4, Colossians 3:18-21, Titus 2:5).  If Father's Day truly encouraged a biblical view of fatherhood such a "day of remembrance and respect" would motivate us fathers to higher ground in spiritual and biblical leadership in the home.  But, as our government welfare programs, strident feminism taught in government schools, and mass/pop media all demonstrate, fathers are said to be expendable; a nice fuzzy reminder of a bygone era, relegated to the sofa in front of TV to be called on when something mechanical or on the personal computer breaks down in the house.   Sadly, even in the church we  too often today we see only a small minority of fathers truly exercising spiritual leadership in the home.

I know when I was growing up, my father grasped the "provider" role well.  From his father he saw that the man of the house was to "bring home the bacon" as a priority and ensure that the roof over the family's head was free from leaks. Therefore, my Dad adequately provided the physical sustenance of shelter and food, sometimes working two jobs to help his children get through college.  I am thankful for his sacrifice in that regard and his loyalty to my mother in a lifelong marriage.

Sadly on the spiritual side, my father's leadership ended with ensuring we got to Sunday School and church (more than most sadly), but no personal example or model of spiritual leadership in the home.  He never saw it growing up and it wasn't his to  pass on.   Other than perfunctory prayers at the dinner table I never heard my father clearly articulate his own faith or teach his children anything from the Bible.   In my position as Director for Children's Ministry International (www.childministry.com)  I have the opportunity to visit many churches offering biblically centered (and reformed) material for children.  I hear a similar story often, of fathers not exercising spiritual leadership in the home.  Without a model of covenantal nurture from the parents and often lacking in churches, children grow up with a serious deficiency when starting their own families.  I know this was the case with me. 

I didn't start praying with my wife for 10 years into our marriage,  I had never seen confession, repentance and restoration take place in my childhood home so these means of God's grace were foreign to me with my wife.  When our children came along I didn't have an example for teaching them the nurture and admonition of the Lord, I had not witnessed biblical discipline and restoration, so too often I corrected in anger without prayer. Thankfully, there were solid pastors and elders in churches I attended which provided godly examples, but without a foundation the instruction took much time and was slow in being applied.

Why do so few men lead?  I think a preview of the hesitancy of men to provide clear, biblical leadership can be seen in Genesis 2:7, "the Lord God formed the man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life." Man's proclivity (inclination or tendency) is to the ground in tending it and therefore in sustaining by physical work his life.   It is good for the man to be focused on providing for his family and the job it takes to get it done.  The curse after the fall in Genesis 3: 17 and 18 dealt with the ground from which Adam was made.  Toil, sweat, thorns and thistles would now be obstacles for man's work.  The woman was taken out of the rib of Adam, out of his flesh.  Her proclivity would be toward human relationships and her curse dealt with childbirth and "the desire for her husband".  I believe we have an insight here.  Man strives to be competent in the tasks he has before him,  there is much toil in overcoming them, but he is able to concentrate and overcome them with hard work.   This is good in the right context, but often runs into barriers in the home.  The home is made up of sensitive human relationships of which the nurturing qualities of the women tend to allow her to excel more easily than the husband.  Not that the man cannot do it, for Scripture tells us that men should be the leaders in the household, but it will take much work. 

When men feel inadequate in a task, they will often avoid it, searching for other tasks that they can excel in.  In the home, if men face an environment they are uneasy with (childrearing and Christian covenant nurture of children) they will often quickly escape to venues where they do feel adequate and receive rewards (the
workplace, race cars, the sports field, hobbies or even the neighborhood bar).

How the church can help is to provide mentors in the way of pastors, ruling elders and deacons who have struggled with leadership in home and have found by God's grace courage to persevere.  When we share our weaknesses one with another, other's gain insight and hope. 

The other reason I see little leadership in the home by men is unconfessed sin, especially dealing with immorality and pornography.  This is an enormous problem today.  The sexual revolution of the 60's, 70's and 80's played havoc with the church with many couples coming into marriage with unconfessed sexual sin, often between
each other in careless dating practices that the couple thought was not important. God is not a respecter of persons.  Sin is sin and must be dealt with biblically by confession, repentance and forgiveness.  Too often sexual intimacy before marriage destroys sexual and spiritual intimacy after marriage.  As the man becomes defensive
and the woman guilt-ridden, issues of non-communication in other areas are the normal byproduct.  The result is a cold, shallow relationship of normalcy (for the sake of the children and their Christian belief), but not the kind of intimacy and love that God would have for us in marriage.  Add to this pornography (normally by the husband over the internet) or inappropriate involvement in chat rooms by the wife and destruction marriage can be around the corner. 

Like any sin, sexual sin must be dealt with biblically.  The lack of purity in the wedding bed must be met openly with each other.  Ephesians 4:25-32 is an excellent summary of redemptive behavior that will heal marriages.  Do not let sin get a foothold that will squelch any symbol of biblical leadership in the home.

Fathers should be respected for the enormous influence they have in the raising of children.  My wife has often told me how much more effective my discipline of the children (done with prayer and restoration) was than hers.  I think there is a biblical reason for this.  As a father and a husband I must be "fessed up" so that the blessedness that Christ promised in the Sermon on the Mount for those who are "pure in heart" is translated in men seeing and understanding God.